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Monthly Archives: October 2012

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在一群野蠻人中間,我首先是野蠻的。

當體制的叢林法則不受鉗制,必然會向每一個個體滲透,并通過不斷腐蝕其意志力,逼迫或誘惑其成為一個徹底的馴服者,進而成為惡的一部份。

惟此境況,那些純潔如哈達的自焚者才尤其讓人痛惜。

早上在推上為他們寫下往生之語:“焚我塵緣/重生於梵/誓愿林火/照徹凡間”。

在一個處處擰巴的社會,誰能獨善其身?誰能自證清白?誰說藏人的自焚與我們無關?誰說這些焚燒的偉岸之軀,不是因為我們對底線的失守,對強權的縱容?

不承認自己的軟弱與服從,我們就無法不活在如蕭瀚所說的“公共原罪”裏(儘管我不喜歡“原罪”這個語意模糊的標籤)。不從自由表達開始克服內心的恐懼,就表示我們主動放棄了作為公民的基本權利。

但如果我們做不了別的,就請為逝者默哀,祈望悲劇不再。

 

2012.10.25黃昏,西店

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剛在推上說,一個人的心,要多狠,才能活下去。

當活著是種恥辱,那些年輕的,甚或年長的藏人選擇了以死抗爭。

而我們祗能眼睜睜看著。

發推說,“夜開始靜,靜到寂,靜到死。於是,死,僅僅變成了一種說法,無關生的痛癢。沒有誰知道死的死穴。從迷途到迷途,多麼衰敗;從自焚到自焚,多少涅槃。而我竟是你身上的火與獸,這麼無情地燒你,不可熄滅。”

這個時候,如果寫字,字字焦苦。

不寫,亦如不呼吸。

我小心地藏起膽怯,祗為活下去。

而衰老如竹節,節節敗退。

 

2012.10.20午夜,南磨房

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前兩天買了條台灣長壽煙,其實就是喜歡“長壽”兩個正體字,和文字邊上的那些深藍色。

給老人祝壽,是這個民族的傳統。所謂傳宗接代,所謂天倫之樂。

中國有孝文化,但沒有愛文化。因為我們至今還沒有學會愛自己。

小時候看到被壽桃圍繞的老壽星的墻畫,很享受的樣子,據說是太上老君。

中國人的慣性思維裏,可以苦難,但必須長壽。好死不如賴活著。

國家是達官貴人的國家,貞觀之治也罷,安史之亂也罷,小百姓有口飯吃,子孫滿堂,便是至福。

一部中國史,在於一個“忍”字。百忍沒有成剛,但可以成蟲。

我的親人說,沒有共產黨,有你們的好日子嗎?

父輩們受了那麼多的苦,他們都認了。他們年輕時的盲從,也會從自己記憶中抹去。說來不是沒有一絲悲涼。

一切都看起來,相安,便可無事。

但是朱大哥,你也不過是為一位死因可疑的朋友做了力所能及的事,就被煽顛了。

在這個國,六四是比私處更敏感的字眼,也許是因為這裏面有太多被槍殺的冤魂。到底是誰在害怕誰呢?

有人為這個國家更體面而做了一些事,甚至犧牲了性命,在當權者眼裏則是抹了他們的面子,必欲置之死地而後快。

這樣一個面子國,有時讓人無話可說。從躲貓貓到鄧玉嬌,從福建三網友到陳平福,從唐福珍到李淑蓮,從陳光誠到陳克貴,還不說那些尚在獄中的良心犯,那些因為不甘受辱而自焚的藏人同胞……他們不過是爲了維護做人的基本權利而發聲,又做錯了什麽呢?

朱大哥,初次見面,都忘了是什麽時候;你說話有些夾纏不清,但總在關鍵時刻出現你的身影;你可以住幾十塊錢的小旅館,但不會缺席為朋友聲援的現場;你也許有些不通人情世故,但你知道倔強是一個弱者最後的武器;你也許上了歲數,但你可以在鼓樓地鐵口打開電腦發推;而在人群中,你也不過是一個性格樂觀,有些絮叨的山羊鬍老人。

但你最終沒有學那些在臭水溝邊支上多個魚竿釣魚的同齡人,在居民樓邊上高聲喧嚷搓麻的老者,也沒有條件學那些高級退休幹部做個脊椎手術都要耍特權,違反醫院規定要一位單獨的護工。

惟其如此,你是我敬重的長輩。你跑到林昭墓前,我不知道你和這位寫血書的女士有過怎樣的交談。但我想,有那樣一個時刻,在墓前攝像頭的映照下,你對這幾個字有過刻骨而會心的領受:自由無價,生命有涯;寧為玉碎,以殉中華。

作為晚輩,我習慣稱你大哥,想必你也不會見怪。生日無限好,最恨是高牆。我惟祝你生日快樂,早日回家。

 

2012.10.17黃昏,西店


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雨斜的

像一茬茬韭菜

開在夜的窗臺

 

不遠處的街燈

剝開橘子的光

讓我安靜下來

 

愛上夜

甚至不用等到闌珊

就欣喜滿懷

 

夜是這麼好的饋贈

直到槍聲響起

連夢也滿了血債

 

201210.16傍晚,西店

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彈一彈雨的風鈴

這麼多喜悅的小生命

打開夜的窗櫺

 

這麼多的風

爸爸說的有營養的風

像千層餅

 

這麼多的愛

洗澡泡菜的愛

夾起脆生生

 

這麼多的紅

沖喜一樣的紅

不讓黑夜擠出光明

 

2012.10.6夜,南磨房

部份詩句來自五月份推文。

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隔著千山萬水

要用文字來相遇

 

“文字是好的

就好像痛苦是大的”

 

“你寫下兄弟、妓女和軟禁

你寫下露水的姻緣

自己的潔癖”

 

“在一個缺乏讚美的時代

你讓自己讚美”

 

“你走到哪裏

就把你的國帶到哪裏

你是你國家的頭顱”

 

“你燒著自己的文字

你燒著自己的身體”

 

 “跨過中世紀的酷刑

你也是你此刻的犧牲”

 

“死亡是一個漫長的黃昏

但有時提前到了早上”

 

2012.10.5黃昏,夜,南磨房

部份詩句來自六月份推文

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時間是什麽?如果不是遺忘。

七月流火。然後是什邡街頭的特警和震爆彈。

追著女人打的,祗可能是打手。他穿了一身警察的皮。

再往後,天津大火。商場變成焚屍爐。散落在路邊的電動車,沒了主人。

再往後,啟東事件。環境污染再次見證一個涸澤而漁的現實。

再往後,盤錦的警察拔出手槍,打死抗拒強拆的百姓。那個瞄準的還原手勢,端的是讓人心驚肉跳。

警察屢屢以幫兇的面目出現,據說是爲了養家糊口。體制豢養了一幫打手,我不知道作為警察的家屬是何感想?他們又如何教育自己的孩子?

中秋節發來祝福短信的,是曾軟禁我的老警察。我無法接受這種人為的“善意”。因為他們曾開著警車長時間在我家門口上崗。小區的人都告誡自己的孩子,說我是一個“壞人”,不要再跟我的孩子一起玩耍。儘管後來他們在我的要求下儘量不開警車穿警服,但我不可能忘記他們對孩子幼小心靈的傷害。

在中國,當警察還是體制的一部份,自覺或是被迫,他們都不得不以幫兇的面目出現,以保證一個專制體制的正常運作。在這個意義上說,中國警察和民主國家的警察是兩個不同的概念。在我看來,在中國從事警察的職業近乎一種恥辱。

當警察還同時被叫做“公安”,就無法不帶著一絲血腥味。

也許這是一種職業偏見。也許有人說警察裏面也有好人。一個基層派出所的副所長,就曾在軟禁結束後很正式地跟我說抱歉。但誰能否認中國警察作為體制幫兇的本質?

作為個體的警察,也許是因為良心而對異見人士表現出敬意,但在一個非法的煽動顛覆和勞教指令下,他們必然會選擇站在體制一邊,而喪失警察作為一個正當職業應有的底線和良知。曾有軟禁我的警察私下對我說:“我們不過是朝廷的鷹犬”。這不足以說明他們自己也認識到這種善惡顛倒的兩難之境?

也因此,對所接觸的警察和國保報以必要的警惕,是一種自保之策。

祗要他們不脫下那層皮,你就不可能和他們建立起一種朋友關係。因為他們站在墻一邊,而我們是如此脆弱而活的雞蛋。

但這不意味著,彼此之間拒不交流。在互相的表達中,將心比心,真理會在不經意間呈現,從而能讓沉睡和裝睡的人醒過來。

對一個警察來說,最好的選擇是自我救贖,學會把槍口抬高,知道自己不過是體制的一粒棋子,一個可憐的傀儡,脫下那身皮,也不過是普通百姓。

 

201210.5上午,南磨房,聽放牛班的春天電影原聲

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沒有什麽比橡樹更像愛情了

從郝思嘉的十二橡樹園

到舒婷的愛情方程式

 

和橡樹一樣赤裸而隱形

一場想像中的盛大婚禮

還沒有停下它的舞步

 

橡樹太高了

就祗在詩歌中娶妻生子

 

此刻黃昏漫過群山

遠山打開它們的金頂

萬物如誦

見證生命的妖嬈和豐盈

 

而在沒有抵達之前

愛情是一條上山的路

 

抗命或者凋零

都是同一條上山的路

 

201210.2上午,南磨房

此詩寫給阿瓊婚紗照拍攝團隊:王大姐,阿爾老爺,龍龍,雲楓,天天,陳燁,冉冉,阿瓊,強本。哦,還有我們家一 一。我想說,生逢亂世,一個非法的結婚證明,抵不上朋友們一句“新婚快樂”。

雲楓 攝影