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隔著千山萬水

要用文字來相遇

 

“文字是好的

就好像痛苦是大的”

 

“你寫下兄弟、妓女和軟禁

你寫下露水的姻緣

自己的潔癖”

 

“在一個缺乏讚美的時代

你讓自己讚美”

 

“你走到哪裏

就把你的國帶到哪裏

你是你國家的頭顱”

 

“你燒著自己的文字

你燒著自己的身體”

 

 “跨過中世紀的酷刑

你也是你此刻的犧牲”

 

“死亡是一個漫長的黃昏

但有時提前到了早上”

 

2012.10.5黃昏,夜,南磨房

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時間是什麽?如果不是遺忘。

七月流火。然後是什邡街頭的特警和震爆彈。

追著女人打的,祗可能是打手。他穿了一身警察的皮。

再往後,天津大火。商場變成焚屍爐。散落在路邊的電動車,沒了主人。

再往後,啟東事件。環境污染再次見證一個涸澤而漁的現實。

再往後,盤錦的警察拔出手槍,打死抗拒強拆的百姓。那個瞄準的還原手勢,端的是讓人心驚肉跳。

警察屢屢以幫兇的面目出現,據說是爲了養家糊口。體制豢養了一幫打手,我不知道作為警察的家屬是何感想?他們又如何教育自己的孩子?

中秋節發來祝福短信的,是曾軟禁我的老警察。我無法接受這種人為的“善意”。因為他們曾開著警車長時間在我家門口上崗。小區的人都告誡自己的孩子,說我是一個“壞人”,不要再跟我的孩子一起玩耍。儘管後來他們在我的要求下儘量不開警車穿警服,但我不可能忘記他們對孩子幼小心靈的傷害。

在中國,當警察還是體制的一部份,自覺或是被迫,他們都不得不以幫兇的面目出現,以保證一個專制體制的正常運作。在這個意義上說,中國警察和民主國家的警察是兩個不同的概念。在我看來,在中國從事警察的職業近乎一種恥辱。

當警察還同時被叫做“公安”,就無法不帶著一絲血腥味。

也許這是一種職業偏見。也許有人說警察裏面也有好人。一個基層派出所的副所長,就曾在軟禁結束後很正式地跟我說抱歉。但誰能否認中國警察作為體制幫兇的本質?

作為個體的警察,也許是因為良心而對異見人士表現出敬意,但在一個非法的煽動顛覆和勞教指令下,他們必然會選擇站在體制一邊,而喪失警察作為一個正當職業應有的底線和良知。曾有軟禁我的警察私下對我說:“我們不過是朝廷的鷹犬”。這不足以說明他們自己也認識到這種善惡顛倒的兩難之境?

也因此,對所接觸的警察和國保報以必要的警惕,是一種自保之策。

祗要他們不脫下那層皮,你就不可能和他們建立起一種朋友關係。因為他們站在墻一邊,而我們是如此脆弱而活的雞蛋。

但這不意味著,彼此之間拒不交流。在互相的表達中,將心比心,真理會在不經意間呈現,從而能讓沉睡和裝睡的人醒過來。

對一個警察來說,最好的選擇是自我救贖,學會把槍口抬高,知道自己不過是體制的一粒棋子,一個可憐的傀儡,脫下那身皮,也不過是普通百姓。

 

201210.5上午,南磨房,聽放牛班的春天電影原聲

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沒有什麽比橡樹更像愛情了

從郝思嘉的十二橡樹園

到舒婷的愛情方程式

 

和橡樹一樣赤裸而隱形

一場想像中的盛大婚禮

還沒有停下它的舞步

 

橡樹太高了

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此刻黃昏漫過群山

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萬物如誦

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愛情是一條上山的路

 

抗命或者凋零

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201210.2上午,南磨房

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“如果八月不是告別

夏日不是往回憶裏躲

我不是妳遇到的那個人”

 

“如果前門打得開春天

死亡沒有敲錯門

貓不是整晚都嬰兒一樣叫著”

 

 “如果妳留的不是短髮

孩子的眼睛沒有倒影著憂鬱

末班車不是最後一班車”

 

 “如果不是因為一本慌張的詩集

妳不是穿了一條春天一樣的短裙

孩子不是張開了彩虹的小手臂”

 

“如果河南老家不止是貧瘠

十六歲的妳還上得起學

那個老男人沒有把妳包養起來”

 

“如果一場雪下得不是那麼深

孩子不是在一片雪花裏喊媽媽

聖誕夜的櫥窗還容得下一個異鄉人”

 

“如果不是妳把謊言說的柔媚入骨

背叛不是一把捅進肺部的刀子

自殺不是妳用來重逢的禮物”

 

 “丫頭呀,我曾脫光了衣服

甚至脫光了靈魂

祗希望妳留下來”

 

2012.8.31下午,西店;9.15拂曉;9.27上午,西店

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北京把僅有的一點美好留給了秋天。

對二十四節氣,我似乎有種本能的迷戀。立秋作為一個轉折,似乎預示著某種邂逅,某種好運,某種可以在空氣中縈繞的東西。一如王娟的聲音在午夜響起,讓生活回到該有的安靜中。

920日晚她在江湖酒吧的演出,又在一個新疆小館,在朋友的酒杯裏傳遞到了黎明。

 

北京的秋天,總是可以肆意地藍。

立秋之日,似乎是在立下一個字據,讓美好的事物,暫時放在音樂的收納盒裏。這份美好的氣質,這麼多年來也一直伴隨著王娟。見過王娟的人,或許首先感受到的是她那份於無聲處的謙和柔順。

有人說好聽的聲音如顆粒,可我分明在王娟午夜迴環繞梁的彈唱裏,看到那些聲音相親相愛,建起了一座水晶城。

而我內心的喜悅在於,我目睹了一座以秋天命名的水晶城的誕生。

或者,換一種樂評人的表達:王娟乾淨嫵媚的聲音,在和絃的威逼利誘下,榨出了水晶。

 

北京的秋天,一不小心拐進東棉花胡同,拐進江湖酒吧。

東棉花胡同,這麼柔軟的名字,可以抱進懷裏。

再北一點,是殺氣騰騰的北兵馬司胡同;再南一點,是炒豆胡同。

在胡同裏,北京才做回自己,不再像是個冒牌城市。

在陶然亭的邊上,才有個女孩與音樂結緣,與佛結緣。

也因此,在王娟的音樂裏,另有一種底色:一如老北京炒豆的脆生和香甜,一如老北京糖葫蘆的紅火和晶瑩。

 

北京的秋天,藍色是唯一的遺產。

但也許祗有在這個擰巴的京城,才會有王娟的非分之想:她想讓這座城市安靜下來,配得上一顆安靜的心。

安靜的心敲著鼓,就是我理解的王娟的民謠。

民謠,一如王娟唱出的“童謠”,本沒有什麽國界。

古詩十九首,白居易的詩,晏幾道的詞,算上納蘭容若,再如近現代的戴望舒,顧城,海子,哪個不是民謠的孩子?

抑或說,天涯淪落的孩子,“若似月輪終皎潔,不辭冰雪為卿熱”的孩子,“說是海的遼遠的相思,說是寂寞的秋的清愁”的孩子。

是的,民謠就是那個長不大的孩子,任性而溫暖。

 

北京的秋天,突然飄滿的紅袖標、紅標語,讓人看到醜陋在陽光下的樣子。

那是一種心理的極度不適。就像夏天在路邊小攤吃麵條,吃到最後泛出來一隻蒼蠅。原諒我這個發生在自己身上的蹩腳的比喻。

努力做一個人。做一個完整的人,要付出的卻是煽顛的代價。走到街頭拉小提琴琴謀生的陳平福老師,尚在獄中的朱承志大哥。他們祗是不願意出賣自己的良心。

做一個人。多難。多難。

王娟在初秋的夜晚唱道:“你知道這是一條沒有回頭的路。”

有人說,這是最好的時代,也是最壞的時代。但願這不是一句繞口令吧。

有人替我坐牢,有人替我唱歌。我慶倖有這麼多好朋友好兄長好姐妹。

 

北京的秋天,滿大街找一棵樹。大的可以落葉歸根。

海子說,誰的聲音可以抵達秋之子夜/沒有絲毫的寬恕和溫情/秋已來臨。

沒有絲毫的寬恕和溫情。除了王娟在黑夜裏唱出的歌。

那是一個噤聲時代唱也不夠,聽也不夠的安寧。

 

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媳婦說

你看這天氣

黑的都能擠出水來

 

濃郁的囚禁中

最響亮的 竟是

鳥市上的聒噪聲

 

似乎“噤聲”

是我們今生唯一的主題

似乎“妥協”

是一雙擠進大腦的鞋子

 

在山巔的陰影裏

我們似乎卻忘了

自由需要連署

靈魂需要親近

 

一個以筆為弦

又以弦為筆的人

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“秋天來臨

涼是我們唯一的衣服”

 

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“你嘮嘮叨叨

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“你站在法院門口

要求旁聽一場雨”

 

“你去林昭墓

想偷盜她的血書”

 

“你看到好友被吊死窗前

像吊死人間最美的風景”

 

“此刻你囚禁於何處

倔強是不是這個國最後的風骨?”

 

“朱大哥,家鄉炊煙香

牢獄是不是這個國唯一的建築?”

 

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聽雨,無眠

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