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在一切戕害的事物之上

此刻夏日正呈現出午後的安寧

 

 “此刻太陽扛著時間的頭顱

太陽扛著奇跡的頭顱

太陽扛著示眾的頭顱

 

太陽的三顆頭顱

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此刻太陽

像一個勤勞的鐵匠

鍛打慵懶的魂靈

把他們裹在陰影裏

照看他們的有生之年

 

 “他們卻把衣服晾在那兒

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不像道路旁的小狗狗

努力嗅著草葉青青

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 “他們似乎習慣了遺忘和躲藏

讓花朵替自己開放

讓勇士替自己犧牲

又讓苦難成為孩子的刺青

 

此刻天空呈現出夏日的安寧

當惡夢回到惡夢的瞬間

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蜀望

 

做人難,做人難,

聞道古蜀有明賢。

蹄花如雲飛杯盞,

梅子陳酒慰兇年。

 

蜀思

 

千色錦裏萬戶春,

武侯祠前盡遊人。

輕衣粉黛香堆雲,

誰識老臣故園心?

 

2012.4成都

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1.

寂寞是人的底色

不屈服也是的

 

2.

文字貼在皮膚上

像不怕水的孩子

 

3.

舉個牌子

就有人找你算帳的春天呀

 

4.

好兄弟,你進去了

可罪名還沒準備好

 

5.

一個棺材倉不夠

還要再關一位山羊鬍子老人

 

6.

缺斤少兩的

我們每天都在稱自己身上的土 收藏删除

 

7.

媳婦說

兩人在一起就是紀念了

 

8.

竹節如手指

操勞半生心事

 

9.

小狗狗看著我

仿佛悲憫不是我的

 

10.

孩子抓住母親的衣角

讓世界茫然

 

11.

多年的軟禁之後

你讓光明找回它的兄弟

 

12.

女人整個夏天都很美

她在陽光中哺乳飢渴的眼神

 

2012.4,成都,8.26夜,南磨房

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女人整個夏天都很美

她在陽光中哺乳飢渴的眼神

 

2012.8.26黃昏

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也是這麼平常的一天。

 

在杭州,有西湖;在北京,就祗剩下鄉愁了。

 

鄉愁是一個大詞,然而是為身在異鄉的人而準備。所謂日暮鄉關何處是,煙波江上使人愁。

 

爸爸喜歡南方,濕潤而多雨,雖是沒有知己,但是有他喜歡的米飯,有散步的濃蔭。

 

爸爸喜歡和綠色在一起。

 

綠色多情,總在一個可以顧盼的城市。

 

我想在四弟家的這一兩年,是爸爸最可幸福的時光。看著自己的孫女一天一個新奇,笑也好看,哭也坦然,牽惹的都是一個老人心中最溫柔的情愫。

 

人到老年,無論如何是白髮凜然。前天晚上看佩妮洛普·克魯茲的《輓歌》,講的是一個老教授和得了癌癥的女孩的絕唱。記住了其中兩句對老人的描述:“老年不適合膽小的人”,“老年對男人是一個意外”。

 

生命博大而無情,一輩子漸入佳境的情懷,往往就在接近告別的時刻。

 

於是孩子變成老人的慰藉。生命就這樣以接力的形式吟嘯徐行,或艱難度日。

 

我不確定,人之將老,是不是心中仍有許多未開的死結。而生命,也因此被設計為一種缺憾的形式。

 

杜甫說,丹青不知老將至,富貴於我如浮雲。就生命而言,富貴又算得了什麽呢?難道物欲不是咬嚙身心的一種毒素?祗不過,我們早已被教化成物質的奴隸。

 

生命的花朵,大多開放在暮年,才謙和而美,或多或少,是摒棄了物欲之後的一種達觀。

 

我希望我爸爸也是的。在被體制多年洗腦之後,能夠看到生命的本源,最終活在真相裏。

 

這時又想起戈麥的詩:“衰老是一種勇氣”。

 

要找出更多堂皇的理由,我們才能夠活下去。

 

在一個糟糕的世界,我們總得讓自己看起來不那麼糟糕。

 

親愛的爸爸,我不叫你父親,父親的距離太遠,願你快樂而長壽。

 

2012.8.26早,南磨房

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北京突降61年不遇特大暴雨時,我正在千里之外寫一篇中央部委去年花60億購買運行公車的文章。很遺憾,帝都如澤,卻只見北京的私家車上街打救被困者,不見那60億上演英雄事蹟。

就在新一輪打擊微博造謠時,微博卻開始救人,資訊準確、有條不紊、專業分工。人們自發約定凡救助車打起雙閃,整座城市閃耀的燈,是一顆顆跳動的心。這時候“素質論”是一種很扯的論,從汶川、玉樹、動車直至昨天的61年不遇,對比前幾年美國新奧爾良颶風事件的騷亂,中國民眾的素質並不低。可問題來了——為什麼中國人總在災難來臨時才顯示高素質?平時擠個公交都要惡語相向,排隊買張春運的車票都要大打出手,這時卻依稀有泰坦尼克沉沒前的紳士風範。我的哥們去廣渠門橋參加救援時,車一到,人們不約而同地喊“讓女人和小孩先上車”。

中國民眾平時的素質是被某種力量壓制低的。當一個國家只熱衷購買公車而不是打造公車,當鐵道部只管大幹快上而不做好公共服務,出於自保也必須素質低。可人性就在那裡,人性就像夜明珠,平時平淡無奇像塊石頭,關鍵時刻卻會顯示光輝。大家都知道了——那個趴在水裡疏通下水道的大爺,那些站在揭了井蓋的排水溝前的環衛工人,那些拎著礦泉水和麵包沖進雨夜尋找被困者的哥們,那些平時接個串線電話都要疑神疑鬼,此時卻大膽在微博公開自己門牌號和手機號碼提供吃住以及熱水澡的市民……我並不想用“我們都是中國人”這種煽情觀點,我更想說,這是中國人的公民意識在成長。就是,你參與社會自治和管理,會有強烈的存在感和安全感。

這就是文明,人人為我,我為人人,我們都是公民。我欣賞趙楚先生寫的北京新市民精神,而我認為暴雨前後並不是兩個北京,它一直是一個北京,只是因為有種力量人為製造人群的割裂。大約兩年前,北京對外地人限購時爆發過本地人和外地人的一場口水大戰,北京人說“外地人滾出首都去”,外地人說“北京人有什麼了不起,真正的北京人在周口店”。漸漸地,大家明白在這個國家,沒有錢,人人都是外地人,真正的本地人住在中南海。當現代文明透進窗櫺,當整個城市變成一片海,外地人/本地人就是個很偽的概念。昨晚,我的哥們楊緋,一個標準的富二代開著他的悍馬通宵幫人回家;昨晚,五嶽散人提供場地接濟被困者;昨晚,很多的本地人發微博呼籲關注那些住在地下室的北漂和外地來的上訪者;昨天,一個叫李方洪的派出所所長為轉移群眾因公殉職……曾經的人群割裂,開始複合得那麼合情合理,因為這是人性。

可是割裂仍在,就在普通市民打開自家的房門,私家車主冒著發動機被淹的危險一個個搭救路人……政府管辦的公車卻按時下班,高速收費站仍按部就班向救助的車輛收費,平時見個小販就追得狼奔豕突的城管不見蹤影。政府完全沒意識到這時正是做秀的好時機,哪怕給被困者就近在快捷連鎖店開個鐘點房。他們想不到,就像當初想不到給這座城上粉補妝安戴美瞳之餘,還得修好下水道。他們只知道開足正面宣傳的水籠頭,不知道民意是最重要的下水道……這幾乎是個圖騰,只有上善若水,沒有從善如流,不是城市不足,而是成事不足,一根下水道就割裂了我和你。

2008北京奧運劉歡唱的《我和你》,確實同一個世界,卻不是同一個夢想。幹部只會出國考察,不見上街視察,坐擁60億的新車,卻不見開出來搭救路人。最新聽到的笑話,這座城市的管理者說從前天就開始組織十萬大軍進行預案防治了。十萬大軍防治,竟有十個逝去的生命,這表明我們按宏大敘事模式修建的城市有多脆弱。
   
和以前一樣,此事必沿著大愛無疆、歌功頌德、災難讓我們更有凝聚力的路子發展下去。如果我沒猜錯,又會出現“一場大雨沖刷出人間真情”這樣的標題。我反感這樣的標題,不是一場大雨沖刷出真情,而是一場大雨沖刷出真相,真相是:一個連下水道都修不好的城市,永遠進入不了上行道,當整個國家都修不好下水道,就該知道民意為什麼天天在內澇。
   
好吧,就寫到這裡,現在去機場,飛南方。我不發一言,不置一文,只點一支紀念的燭。

 

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“前有地震

后有大火

動車追著我們的尾

我卻在此刻的大雨中狂奔”

 

“生於七月

好像就必須

接受一個悲傷的結局”

 

“一場大雨開始殺人

政客般陰沉著臉

嚇壞了孩子”

 

“誰能想到荒誕

早就想把我變成

荒誕的一部份“

 

 “誰能想到

本可以漫步街頭的情人的雨

是我告別自己的忌日”

 

和那些溺水而死的人們一樣

再無溺愛

 

和那些溺水而死的人們一樣

再無親人

 

“動車追著我們的尾

生在這個國

就不要期待更好的事情”

 

“此刻我不知誰死雨中

我不知誰活獄中”

 

“悲傷的七月

光有悲傷還不夠

我必須在悲傷中死去”

 

2021.7.22夜,7.23午後,西店

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妳曾是我的夏季

前門像是三百年前

就為我們準備好的開始

 

妳曾是我的夏季

夜色中偶遇的

幽怨的少婦和孩子

 

妳曾是我的夏季

末班車開的太快

我匆匆遞上羞澀的詩集

 

妳曾是我的夏季

翠綠的眼神如絲

捕捉著我笨拙的身體

 

妳曾是我的夏季

天藍的日子乾了又濕

月亮大的淚滴燙傷了草地

 

妳曾是我的夏季

逃出那個老男人的禁臠之地

妳不知道如何開始

 

妳曾是我的夏季

當我像個偵探一樣找到妳

妳已經躺在別人的懷裏

 

妳曾是我的夏季

性和酒繼續妳的偏執

自殘成了妳最愛的遊戲

 

妳曾是我的夏季

當我們在多年後相遇

妳仍然怨咒一樣迷失著自己

 

妳曾是我的夏季

註定相遇卻在謊言中別離

如今我已羞於提起

 

2012.7.18黃昏,西店

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“你們明知道

少了我的那一點惡

世界也不會變成另外的樣子

可你們

仍把我當成可以盡情鄙視的標本”

 

“好吧

現在我把高地還給你們

你們這些偽善者

政客,詩人,民運份子

各占各的山頭

但你們阻擋不了我對死亡的佔有

你們不知道對死亡的佔有

也是對豔遇的佔有”

 

“那個街頭小混混

紋個身

就以爲自己是條龍

割破指頭

寫點血書

就以為有資格讓我殉情而死”

 

“你們這些岸然者

你們不知道除了死亡

我沒有別的私有財產

你們有多少正當的理由

我就有多少自殺的天賦”

 

“世界在你們眼裏是富有

在我眼裏祗是貧瘠

你們以為自殺很難

可我祗需要五十粒藥片”

 

“我讓十三歲的女兒

在隔壁

等我自殺的消息

她的父親

剝光了我十六歲的衣衫

讓我冷到現在

在另一隔壁

我的上司還在等我上牀”

 

“你們眼裏有光明

手中有權柄

可這些跟我有什麽關係

你們以為我愛的是人

可我祗愛酒”

 

“我就是一個酒婊子

親著酒鼻子”

 

“現在我肚子裏

裝滿了酒精和藥片

我給那個傻詩人打電話

要他來救我

好證明我還有人疼

或者

祗是爲了呈現這樣一個事實:

有人在生的迷痛中

驚擾了熟睡的死神

但我知道他不會來

我已用我的媚酒

吸光了他的純粹”

 

“這個世界

讓人變美好

也會讓人變醜陋

也順便讓我這樣的人

變得爛醉如泥”

 

“世界因為你們而乾淨

因為我而顛倒

這難道不是我離去的最好理由”

 

“當你們賣出一把輪椅

當你們三人成戲

當你們成立了毒檢室

當你們為我的死準備好了一切

在毒藥和血液的交配中

我卻不想死”

 

“我還沒有能力

死的那麼徹底

我的呼吸一如你們的呼吸

都還會呼風喚雨”

 

“心跳剩下最後三下

像凌晨三點的鐘擺

與死亡的約會

祗可能是一個人的恐懼”

 

“最後

我聽見心跳跳了出去

心跳沒了

又開始在某處

劇烈地跳動……”

 

2012.7.17近午,午後